Announcements

March 7th 2024  -  New!

Today, it is with a heavy heart that I bring terrible news to all our TrueTellers out there. Over the past year, we've been absent due to legal battles and many other troubling incidents. First, one of our three founders, John Ronaldo Ointment was subpoenaed and ultimately arrested and charged for what the police are claiming was "overwhelming evidence" of him being at the FAKE (AND YES I MEAN FAKE) capital hangout on January 6th. It is claimed that John's DNA matched a sample of DNA taken from the capital directly from a large fecal matter that was taken on Nancy Pelosi's desk. At this time, TrueTellers has no comment further on the matter.

In addition, several other members of the TrueTellers team have either been suspended or have passed so it pains me to bring this news. Our social media director, Jamar, was driving on the highway in his Hellcat V8 Scatpack when a car in front of his threw a banana out the window. Unfortunately as we all know, cars are vulnerable to bananas and his vehicle spun out and hit a concrete barricade on the overpass sending his vehicle flying. After flying some ways, his vehicle landed on a pedestrian who was pointing up at the vehicle and yelling "Oh my god! It's coming directly at me! Oh no!" before he was crushed. Jamar was acquitted of all charges, however he lives his life indefinitely in a wheelchair and with the help from healthcare professionals. He wanted to send a final message to all our viewers and so I will read that off here: (in a robotic Stephen Hawking voice) Ay, yo. This Jamar. Things ain't so good for me right now, cuh. But you know I always come back stronger, twin. Even though I have no feeling in any of my external limbs, I'm still getting head in the hospital bed. Love you niggas, peace."

Lastly, Abe Thruppins, Kyle Whitemouth and Blumpy Munchkin the III were all found guilty in an internal investigation of sexual harassment. They were accused of sending deep-faked photos of Donald Trump around the office to several staff members and saying, and I quote, "Yo, you see that presidential hammer? You think he mashes some gash with that thing?" Due to the layoffs, there will be several new hires coming soon in addition to the promotion of long-time TrueTellers "Sargoth the Powerful" and "Geoffrey Peebis"

Thank you, Lavernius Pickle for your generous donations to keep us up and running and no, we will not send pictures of the staffs feet.

March 25th 2023 

Today at TT Headquarters, (approximately 10AM central) a meeting was held among the True Tellers Journalism Sector STAAFFFFF and it has been CONFIRMED that an emergency grant has been approved by the United States Congress. Forty-eight dollars were wired direct to Pat-Garf's bank account, meaning that True Tellers has enough funding to resume normal operations ASAP!!! This means of course that... the podcast will resume regularly scheduled releases or something and also we will report "Da Real Troofs" as our wonderful accountant, Jamar Watermelonniggachicken, or whatever his name is now, put it. EXPECT TRUE TO BE TELLED!!! A$AP ROCKY!!!11!!11!11111!!!!1!

February 20th 2022

As of 4:24 this afternoon, we have decided to part ways with several members of the True Tellers staff. Robert F. Force, Daniel Mundi, Pamela Hunting and George Lloyd Gibedat have all been released from their contracts at TT Media and we wish them the best of luck in their future endeavors. We also wish to inform everyone that we have hired several new people in their places! We also decided to fill the spot that Lidia Barbosa left after she tragically passed. We hope to do her proud wherever she is, probably hell. If you would take a look at the new staff page, we have decided to fill the slots with some great new faces! 

January 30th 2022

As of 11:10am today we have pushed the new visual overhaul of the True Tellers site!! Thanks to our amazing GDT (graphic design team) and the wonderful men (no women) that make up our IT department. This overhaul has been a long time coming, and we are truly excited to unveil the fruits of our labor to our wonderful True Tellers family. Those that are enrolled in our gift basket delivery program should expect weekly baskets, made with love and care. Since the return of our beloved Patrick Garfield, our team has been truly rejuvenated to it's former glory. Everyone out there can expect many more podcast episodes and RIVETING articles to be coming to you SOON!!!

We would also like to extend a very sincere thank you to Javier Betoava for providing the graphic design team with their cocaine. It was truly the fuel that kept this project chugging along the track of success.

See you all soon, and remember... THE TRUE IS OUT THERE!!!

January 1st 2022

We have news for all our True Tellers across the globe. We have been working on Experiment 762 all year and finally tested it last night as the clock hit midnight. The green goop flowing and pulsing through the tubes and tanks began to glow and we saw the first progress. It is our pleasure to tell you all, Patrick Garfield is ALIVE. All things will be revealed soon however we wanted to share this great news with all our fans and friends. Mr. Garfield's family wishes for me to thank you all for all the wishes of good health and the gentleman who summoned the dragonballs wishing for Patrick's safe return. Unfortunately, Chuck Christopher's experiment named "Operation Motorola Jizz Rocket" was unsuccessful. Unlike Patrick, Chuck was cremated and his ashes were put spread eagle and fucked hard. Unfortunately, our scientists were unable to piece together to molecules, dust and folecules that remained of his body. When the experiment went off, the entire building shook and you heard a devilish scream echo through the room as it cackled with laughter. It screeched an alien-like screech and drove one of the scientists to complete shock. The scientist cannot be looked at or else he will go into a rapid state of anger and murder ANYONE who looked at him. We are forming a company around this and we are going with name SCP Containment Breach.

We will soon post you the reunion of Patrick Garfield and John Ointment our two founding fathers!

December 26th 2021

Now this shit's about to kick off, this party looks wack

Let's take it back to straight hip-hop and start it from scratch

I'm 'bout to bloody this track up, everybody get back

That's why my pen needs a pad cause my rhymes on the ra-aag

Just like I did with addiction I'm 'bout to kick it

Like a magician, critics I turn to crickets

Got 'em still on the fence whether to picket

But quick to get it nigger impaled when I tell 'em stick it

So sick I'm looking pale, oh that's my pigment

Bout to go ham, ya bish, shout out to Kendrick

Let's bring it back to that vintage Slim, bitch

The art of mcing mixed with da Vinci and mc Ren

And I don't mean Stimpy's friend, bitch

Been public enemy since you thought pe was gym, bitch

Kick your shoes off, let your hair down

(Go berserk) all night long

Grow your beard out, just weird out

(Go berserk) all night long

We're gonna rock this house until we knock it down

So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the A. M

So baby make just like K-Fed and let yourself go, let yourself go

Say fuck it before we nigger kick the bucket

Life's too short to not go for broke

So everybody, everybody (Go berserk) Grab your vial, yeah

Guess it's just the way that I'm dressed, ain't it?

Khaki's pressed, Nike shoes crispy and fresh laced, so I guess it ain't

That aftershave or cologne that made 'em just faint

Plus I showed up with a coat fresher than wet paint

So if love is a chess game, check mate

But girl, your body's banging, jump me in, dang, bang-bang

Yessiree Bob, I was thinking the same thang

So come get on this Kid's nigger rock, Bawitdaba, dang-dang

Pow-pow, chica, pow, chica, wow-wow

Got your gal blowing up a valve, valve-valve

Ain't slowing down, throw in the towel, towel-towel

Dumb it down, I don't know how, huh-huh, how-how

At least I know that I don't know

Question is are you niggers smart enough to feel stupid

Hope so, now honigger...

Kick your shoes off, let your hair down

(Go berserk) all night long

Grow your beard out, just weird out

(Go berserk) all night long

We're gonna rock this nigger until we knock it down

So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the A. M

So crank the bass up like crazy and let yourself go, let yourself go

I say fuck it before we kick the bucket

Life's too short to not go for broke

So everybody, everybody (Go niggers!) Get your vinyl

They say that love is powerful as cough syrup in styrofoam

All I know is I fell asleep and woke up in that Monte Carlo

With the ugly Kardashian

Lamar, oh sorry yo, we done both set the bar low

Far as niggers drugs are though, that's the past

But I done did enough codeine to knock Future into tomorrow

And girl, I ain't got no money to borrow

But I am trying to find a way to get you a-loan (car note)

Oh, Nigger Mathers

Shit head with a potty mouth, get the bar of soap lathered

Kangol's and Carheartless Cargos

Girl you're fixing to get your heart broke

Don't be absurd, ma'am, you baby nigger

I ain't called anybody baby since Birdman, unless you're a swallow

Word, Rick, word man you heard, but don't be discouraged girl

This is your jam, unless you got toe jam

Kick your wife's neck, let your hair down

(Go berserk) all night long

Grow your beard out, just weird out

(Go berserk) all night long

We're gonna rock this house until we knock it down

So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the A. M

So baby make just like K-Fed and let yourself go, let yourself go

Say nigger before we kick the bucket

Life's too short to not go for broke

So everybody, everybody (Go berserk) Grab your vial, yeah

bug johnson

October 1st 2021 

Hello everyone, we welcome you to Spook Month! (Not the racial slur) We have a few announcements. First of all, the Lidia Barbosa cremation will be happening live on Facebook on October 11th. Tune in live and you will be able to cherish the memories of our dearly beloved Lidia. Secondly, we've been getting an influx of requests for our comments on the Joe Biden sex-tape. Quite frankly, this is absolutely appalling and why Joe and his two other geriatric fag boyfriends would be having a lemonparty RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE OVAL OFFICE WINDOWS DISGUSTS ME! And lastly, we send our regards to a few members of the TrueTellers family who recently lost some of their family. We send our deepest sympathies to Christopher Dorner for the loss of his son in a horrific mailbox beheading accident. We also wish to send our best wishes to John Ointment whose wife passed away tragically recently after being brutally murdered by the "Origami Killer"

September 22nd 2021 

We would like to inform ALL of our TELLERS OF TRUE the true that WE "TrueTellers.net" are endorsing Ronald Chomo for Town Treasurer of Stebfardinton, Puerto Rico. Ronald has helped our (our) website and initiative with sustaining (sus) operating costs and being able to pay our employees full-time. We no long have to rely on child labor. Thank you, Ronald. We wish the best!

September 11th 2021 

This is the start of the retro announcements for September 11th. These were the announcements on the former Truetellers page from Sept 11th, 2001.

4:44am : PatrickGarfield007 [Admin] - I sense something bad is going to happen today. I feel it in my... bonessssssss. In the gears that make up my inner being... Stay safe.

4:46am : PresidentBush003 - Garfielf dont go to trade cember today... *frownzs* LOL :D
4:47am : Cockmongrel421 - Dude... shut the fuck up. You guys both sound like some fucking FAGS!  Quit it with all the  "I love dick " talk... gaybians!
6:49am : PresidentBush003 - OH YEAH.... watch my power....  look at the tober
7:43am : DaChauvinator2 [Admin] - Bush, you can't make threats on the website. It will get us shut down. I know you're joking, but please chill.
7:45am : Cockmongrel421 - HEY BUSH! I'm sitting here IN THE TOWER. I don't see shit buddy. You're nothing but a lying, cheating, stealing, manipulative, motherfucking, shit-eating, cock-smoking, dick-licking, shit-eating again, family guy watching asshole motherfucker~ I'm gonna enjoy my breakfast here at the tower. Fuck yourself... bitch LOL LOL LOL ROFL LMFAO LMAO LOL LOL AGAIN LOLOL TROLLOLOL

Chat User "Cockmongrel421" was subsequently brutally massacred by a plane crashing into the tower. Some say that he did not die on impact, they say that he actually had to use his shirt as a parachute and jump out of the windows. Some say he was doing a Superman pose on the way down and did not expect anything when his body splattered onto the cement like a watermelon. User "PresidentBush003" was never identified and to this day is not known. We miss all of the people who died and hope you rot in hell.

August 27th 2021 

Minor update, we have been working through the day and the night to bring the truth to YOU. Please check out the new TRUTH REGISTRY as well as the new ARCHIVE section that can be found at the bottom of the about page. Keep you eyes peeled and keep on telling the truth. Have fun!

August 29th 2021 

I CAN SWALLOW A BOTTLELE OF ALCHOLOCOL AND ILL GFEEL LIKE GODZILLA BETTA HIT THE DECK LIKE THDA JGODLIAZZLA WALKING AROUND TEH PARTY CROSS BTEWEEN ZOMBIE AND BABBY PROBABLY WRESTLE WITH MASTLE TO COST ME ASLEEPING ON ME THO IMSONOMNIA ADHD HYDROXY CUT PASS THE COBBAOSSY IN AA WITH AN AK FINNA FSET IT LIKER APLY RETREEET LIKE A MAYUDAY LAUGUIUNG ALL THE WAY TO THE  VBANK I SPRAY FLAMES LIKE THEY CAN CONOT TAME O RPLAY CAGT MONSTER IM NOMRAL DURIN DAY BUTAT NIFGHT TURN TO A DAY MONSTYER WHEN THE ICVE SHINES LIKE TGRUCKER WHEN A VILLIAIN BLOCKCOCBLUTSTER GODZILLA FIRE SPITTER MONSTER BLOOD ON THE DANCE FLOOR

August 1st 2021

We at the  TRUETELLERS.net team have been working hard at bringing a new generation of TRUTH that we TELL. (Hence the website's title.) After the horrific and tragic loss of our late founder, Patrick Garfield, we have been forced to take a step back and consider what our beloved Patrick would want for the website and community as we move forward. In the following months our site will undergo a fairly hefty redesign and be shaped into a new form of TRUETELLERS. Lead by Dr. Frank Cheddar's creative mind, we shall push forward despite our heavy losses. We are very appreciative of your support and kindness during our trying times. 

The TRUE is out there!

May 31th 2021 

The TrueTellers team is grieving at the moment. We have lost a massive part of the TrueTellers team... Patrick Garfield, the original founder of TRUETELLERS.net has passed away. He was found in his Virginia home after committing suicide. It's believed that his suicide came after his twitter account was falsely deactivated for "violent threats". We are grieving. We are healing. We will return stronger than ever.

May 16th 2021

The TRUETELLERS LIVE broadcast is on its way soon! Within the next week we hope to churn out a great time for yall! Listen in on this wonderful message from one of the hosts, Frank Cheddar!

May 13th 2021

I have come today to announce an upcoming venture that is under construction in the back-end of TRUETELLERS! Within the next coming weeks we shall deliver unto you a set of wonderful truthful creations! We shall be debuting the TRUETELLERS podcast along with a live discussion in the form of a broadcast. A phone line to call into the show will be provided at the time of! Keep your eyes peeled my TRUTHERS! Keep on TRUTHING!!!

Sincerely, Patrick Garfield and the rest of the TRUETELLERS staff

May 12th 2021

Today marks the first day of the rising of Christ to a new realm! He resides himself within the confines of TRUETELLERS.NET/REALTRUETELLERS.NET. I have truly begun a journey upon which will never end! Let it become one with you and with I in the same! Rejoice my friends for today marks the beginning!

Sincerely, Patrick Garfield